Finding Her Read online

  Lucy didn't know who to feel sorry for. Perhaps this child would be better off with the Sioux. She had no right to judge the woman, nor the man. But theirs was a cold marriage and the child would only be loved by the mother. She was almost sorry she agreed to help now.

  "Lucy," Gloria called as she started to walk back. "I know I did him wrong, but I thought as good a man as he is, he'd forgive me. I made a huge mistake, by not telling him. The only thing left for me is a divorce, and I can't afford it, and don't want it. Frank and I get along well together, it's just the secrets I've kept from him."

  "I'm afraid I'd have to agree, and I'm sorry I agreed to help you get your child back." She walked off. "She'd probably be better off with the Sioux. A child needs a steady home, a happy home. A home with love. When I look back at my early childhood, I remember my father was never a happy man. I didn't know why, but one day I realized my Indian family was happy, and it made me happy. I only get moody and stupid when I'm around whites."

  Gloria stared, she wasn't happy about what Lucy said.

  Lucy started to leave but Gloria reached a hand out to her.

  "I thought you of all people would understand. I heard you talking to Aiden about your husband. You didn't love him either."

  Lucy stared into her cool gray eyes. "No, you are wrong. I did love him, just not like a husband." Lucy faced her squarely staring into her cold eyes now. She'd hurt the woman's feelings and naturally she wanted to get back at her. "But I liked him a lot," she smiled now as though remembering him. "We got along well, and we had a good life together, for what time we had. I did not lie to him, and he did not lie to me. We were two lonely people who needed each other at the time. But… ours was not an intimate relationship. I'm not sure it ever could have been."

  "You mean… you never… "

  "No."

  "Did he want to?"

  "He was as shy as I was. Perhaps had we lived together longer, it would have happened, but he married me to save me from becoming another warrior's wife. It was a hasty kind of decision, but he didn't want me to suffer at his hand and knew I would. So, he married me, by offering more horses for me."

  "And you didn't love him, even after that."

  "I did, but not in that way. I always loved him, but we were growing into each other. And yet, we didn't have enough time… " Lucy said sadly.

  "And now how do you feel? I mean, do you regret not consummating the marriage?"

  "No, I have no regrets at all with him. We lived like we wanted to. We both cared a great deal, but just not like that. I was angry for the white soldiers killing him. Very angry. He was such a good man. I left the camp because the warrior that wanted me, still wanted me, and when Claw Hand died, he asked my father for me in marriage. I told him I did not love him. My father said I would grow to love him. But I wouldn't. For two reason, one I was raised with him, he was like a brother. And two, he was not a good man. He was mean, and I knew it. There was so much difference in he and Claw Hand."

  "Oh my, did he scare you?"

  "I told my father I would run away if he insisted. Which he did. So, I ran away."

  "I'm sorry… I'm very sorry. Then maybe you do understand my marriage to Frank in some ways."

  "I didn't have enough time with Claw Hand to learn to love him in that way. But it would have taken years to grow that close with him. I just didn't have the time with him. You do. Don't waste it. If he loves you and will support your child, then love him for that… " Lucy turned to look at her, "Yes, I do understand. And I do not worry about you or your husband, but about the child."

  "But I love Peggy… " Gloria insisted.

  "Yes, I believe that. But your husband does not. Your husband doesn't trust you. And your baby will suffer from your lies."

  "You have no right to judge me!" Gloria snapped.

  Surprised at her quick anger, Lucy stared now. "I'm sorry, you are right. And no, I don't." Lucy hung her head. "You are right. I have no right. But there is a big difference in you and I. You married your husband to father your child and support you. I married mine because I knew him well, I grew up with him, and I truly liked him. Love might have grown between us had we been married long enough. He was a good man. As I grew up, I wondered about my white side. I wondered how I might fit it. But I wouldn’t fit in, I know that now. Have you had relations with your husband?"

  "Of course, I have…"

  "And you still don't love him?"

  "I-I don't know. It's his lack of understanding of Peggy that is between us. Perhaps if he could let go of the lie, then we could go on."

  Lucy bowed her head. "In your book, the bible, it says to leave thy mother and they father and cleave to one another, does it not."

  "Yes, of course. You know the bible?"

  "Aiden taught me to read by the bible. Yes, I know it. Anyway, I hope you can work it out. I truly do."

  "And this Aiden…. How do you feel about him?" Her brow rose with the question.

  Lucy studied her a moment, wondering why she was asking such a question, but then smiled warmly, "I love him. I always have."

  "And you laid with him, didn't you?"

  Lucy went pale now, the way she put that. The insinuation was plain. It felt like a slap. And something in Gloria's expression changed. As though she had slapped her and was satisfied with the results. As though she wanted some revenge for her lack of understanding. Lucy shrugged, and decided maybe she deserved it.

  Just then Aiden stumbled onto them and obviously heard what Gloria said. His face was a wad of frowns.

  "What's going on here?"

  "Nothing," Lucy stalked off.

  "You want to explain what you meant by that last remark ma'am?" Aiden stared at Gloria.

  "I'm sorry, I had no right."

  Aiden came up to her close now, his eyes going over her. "You're right about that! But you should remember something. She's the only link you have of getting your child back alive. If I was you, I wouldn't rile her." Then he stalked off too.

  The blood drained from Gloria's face, she fisted her hands at her side and stomped a foot into the hard-crusted snow. Her victory was short lived.

  Chapter Six

  "You want to tell me what that was all about, back there?" Aiden asked as Lucy hung unto his waist and rested her head on his back that day. The snow was so thick it tossed them back and forth as they rode onward. Lucy hung on tight to Aiden. It was much colder now and only their body heat seemed to warm them.

  The wind began to pick up and the cold was unbearable. Lucy pulled her hood closer to her face and held Aiden tightly. Aiden pulled his coat collar up around his face and chin, and his hat lower. He had leather gloves on to protect his hands from freezing.

  "Well," he asked when she didn't respond to his question.

  "No, it's no concern of yours." She replied. "I can only say that I am not sure giving the child back to her is a good idea."

  Aiden almost twisted around to look at her, "What do you mean?"

  "Nothing," she responded too quickly, then amended, "only, be careful of her, she is like a mountain lion. She has long claws that you do not see until it is too late." Lucy laid her head against him again and sighed.

  "I'll remember that." He smiled and patted her hand.

  "I never stopped to ask, but I guess this will cause you trouble with the tribe, getting the child back?" Aiden asked his concern lacing his words.

  "It could. But I am not Sioux I am Cheyenne. However, the Sioux believe me to be a spirit woman so they will respect what I say. They are afraid not to. Do not be shocked by what happens Aiden, as I will keep my promise, but I will not make a promise so easily next time." She informed him. "I was blinded by her efforts to get her child. She does love the child, but I am also almost certain that is all she loves."

  "You don't want to talk about it?" He asked her.

  "No."

  "I heard enough to know what it was about, Lucy," he called her name softly. "I heard what she was suggesting we migh
t have done."

  "She speaks without thinking." Lucy shrugged. "Like many white women."

  "Lucy, I won't let others hurt you, not even a woman."

  She squeezed him tightly and sighed against him.

  "I know, that is why I love you so much, Aiden." She sighed.

  Aiden rubbed her hand against his and smiled

  "Remember something."

  "What?" she asked moving her head against his back.

  "I'm on your side." He smiled. "People naturally assume a lot of ugly things. Sometimes I think it's human nature that they think the worse of others."

  "It doesn't matter, we know the truth."

  "You're quite a woman Lucy, better than I've ever known."

  He felt the smile from her lips on his back, "Thanks."

  They rode quietly for a while. It had snowed most of the night and the horses had a time sloshing through it. At noon they were tired, and Aiden insisted on them resting for at least a couple of hours.

  "We're so close, can't we go on?" Gloria insisted moving her scarf away from her face so she could talk.

  "I take it you and your husband know nothing about horses?" Aiden asked with a frown.

  Gloria flushed. "Well I…" She glanced around, "what do you mean? I ride rather well, I think."

  "I mean you don't. You haven't walked through the five feet of snow for miles like your horses have, have you, Mrs. Winters? Look at the sweat on them. One thing everyone learns in the west is to take care of your horse. It's an unspoken rule out here. Where you folks from, if you don't mind me asking?"

  "Philadelphia, I suppose you are right. I rode a lot there, but I had a groomsmen that took care of the horses."

  "Out here, there are no such things as groomsmen," Lucy chided.

  "I suppose there is some logic to what you say," she admitted. "I'm sorry, I don't know the first thing about taking care of a horse. It wasn't part of my education."

  "That's understandable, I suppose. But, unlike you, I'm aware of how tired they are, and if you want them to reach our destination, you have to give them proper rest. Not doing so could put you afoot. And that would be dangerous in this weather."

  Mr. Winters came forward now, looking from one to the other. "He's right Gloria. The man knows this country and what he is doing. Leave it alone. I apologize for our lack of knowledge, what you say makes perfect sense to me though."

  "Thank you," Aiden nodded to Mr. Winters with a smile.

  "But…" she started to object, and her husband raised his hand to the air.

  "Leave it!" he demanded and walked off.

  Gloria stared after him, her face mirroring her aggravation for being told what to do. Aiden noticed. He glanced at Lucy who was amused by his outcry. So, Mr. Winters wasn't as dumb as everyone had pegged him.

  As Aiden was tending the horses Lucy walked up with a smirk on her face, "He sure knows how to shut her up, doesn't he?"

  "Yeah, he does. Maybe he should speak up more often."

  "He doesn't seem like such a bad person. She says he doesn't want children. But perhaps if they tried harder to get along… Or maybe it's just the fact that it isn't his child…"

  "It isn't?" Aiden looked a bit shocked by this news. "Oh, that's right, she said she'd been married before."

  "That's what she said." Lucy stared at his back now. "She was married before, her husband was killed, leaving her pregnant."

  "Well then, that might explain his silence too."

  "What do you mean?"

  "This is her journey, not his. He's giving her leave to make the journey and also going with her. I think he cares for her, a great deal, if not the child. But you could say it's more her business than it is his."

  "But not to love a child?" Lucy asked.

  "Depends on whether he knew about the child before they married."

  "He didn't."

  "Then it's not the child, Lucy, it's the lie between them."

  "But obviously he thought enough of her to come with her. She should see that much."

  "What a little match-maker you are." He laughed, he turned to look at her and shot her a sexy smile.

  "They are married, Aiden, a holy union by the Creator's own words in the bible, is it not?"

  "It is! And I'm proud you remember."

  "I was thinking of the child."

  Aiden sobered, "Well, you might be right. The child might be better off where she's at. At least she'll be loved."

  "Is that what you thought about me, too?"

  That question gave Aiden pause. He knew it was a tender subject with Lucy.

  "You were ten when I first met you, Lucy. You were already loving the Cheyenne and accepting the Cheyenne as your folks. I was young too, and even though I did feel for you, I couldn't interfere. Frenchie told me you had a new family and was happy. They were your family. The trapper I was with at the time, raised me, when my folks died. He told me I couldn't change things after four years with the Indians. Four years is a long time not to love someone who takes care of you. And yes, I did think you were better off. At least at the time. But it seems you've been more concerned about your white side since you are grown. Is there a reason?"

  Lucy suddenly stared out at the white blanket of snow around them, her eyes tearing but not falling. "Maybe your right, maybe I too was better off with them… you know, I never looked at it that way. I just kept thinking they should have come. And it hurt when I thought they didn't love me enough to come for me. It made me feel as though something was wrong with me. That no one could love me. I wasn't the only one that thought like that. There were many through the years, and some couldn't live with the not knowing the truth of their folks. It ate at them. A few did come and they went home. For those that did I was always happy for them. But others, suffered. Most more than me."

  "Do you know now what happened to your folks?"

  "No," She found a log and sat down shaking her head. "I heard some talk about the wagon train we were on, that it was headed for Oregon."

  "Did you ever think they might not have made it?" He sat down with her when he finished tending the horses and looked at her.

  She glanced at him now and one tear rolled down her cheek. "Many times!" She sighed heavily. "I suppose it was the not knowing what happened to them that made me angry with them. I had a grandfather back in Missouri, I guess he was too old to come looking for me. For a while, I remembered them all. Aunts, Uncles, cousins. Prayed for them, wished for them. And they never came. Not one. At the time I thought there should have been someone who loved me or cared. I remember Sally she felt the same as I and she killed herself because she thought she was unworthy. She wasn't Aiden. They just didn’t come. She couldn't live with it."

  "Lucy," he took her hand in his now. "When whites are captured, and if it has been some time. People give up hope of finding them. Or think they might have killed themselves like your friend Sally. If grown women are captured, husband sometimes won't go after them as they don't want a white woman that's been with an Indian. As though they are dirty or something. They don't know much about the Indians, so they think the worse of them."

  "I have heard this too. Seen it once or twice too. One man came for his wife, found she had an Indian baby, and walked away without a word. Just left. She stood there staring after him for a long time, as though she couldn't quite believe what happened. Never talked to her, never gave her a chance to explain. I was young back then and didn't understand it. It was her husband. Why didn't he love her any longer, Aiden? No one is perfect. Jesus was the only perfect person in this world."

  "Lack of understanding, Lucy," Aiden told her and squeezed her hand. "I'm sure it's painful to think on it, but Lucy, you've grown into quite a woman. And it is all thanks to the Cheyenne, not your white folks. Do you remember what your father did for a living? Do you remember much about them at all?"

  They were interrupted by the meal Gloria cooked and sometime later she answered his question. They were bedding down for the night, trying
to stay warm. It wasn't that late, but it was cold. He patted his blanket and invited her inside with him and she joined him without thought.

  "He was a blacksmith. I remember watching him working with the horses, and the horseshoes he made. He gave me one once, I don't know what happened to it, but I thought it was some kind of prize."

  "Do you know why they were headed to Oregon?"

  "No, only my father didn't like his work. That's all I know. He was good at it, but he didn't like it."

  "And your mother?"

  "She was beautiful, I remember she'd read stories in the bible to me every night. I guess I can thank her for knowing who the real Creator is. Both of you."

  "That's something."

  "Yes… it is." Lucy hadn't cuddled with him. "I'm glad you are here Aiden. You remind me of things I forget. With you I can think about them and not feel guilty for doing so. With you I can talk about them and know you won't tell anyone. That's part of why I love you so much, Aiden."

  "You better quit saying that, I might start believing it." He chuckled, "Is that the only reason you love me, because I taught you to read and write?" he asked huskily.

  She hugged him tight. "You are my only link to the white world, Aiden. But no, it's not the only reason." She laid her head on his big massive shoulders. "You wouldn't remember but the last time you were here, you kissed me. It wasn't a real kiss, just a peck on the cheek. I treasured that kiss, as it was my first, and I feared my last. I fell in love with you then, and it has never changed. You're the only one I can talk to about my white life. The only one who listens. You see, it is hard to make the Cheyenne understand my feelings about them. And now that I'm grown, I think back and try to remember, but it's harder now, to remember. I remember my mother was beautiful, but I can't see her face any longer, no matter how hard, I try I can't remember."

  He pulled her closer. "Maybe that's for the best too. If you remembered too much, you might feel lonesome all the time."

  "I guess."

  "Hey, you and Pumpkin are getting along well." Aiden chuckled, changing the subject.

  "I like her." Lucy told him with a soft chuckle. "She has such a sense of humor."